the picture on my mantle

Changing up our mantle and I came across this photo today. Oh, if I could just go back in time and hug that 30-year-old Aimee girl that smiled for the camera at 19 weeks along. Really, it's not that long ago (less than a year), but oh how it feels likes ages. 

I would hug her and weep with her and pray with her and tell her it really is all going to be okay. Not easy. Not clean. Not ideal, but okay. Promise.

//

We didn't have a prenatal diagnosis with Lindie. Initially, when people asked, I told them I was glad we didn't know ahead of time. I was able to prepare for my baby thinking of her as just that- my baby. I didn't put any extra stress on her little body in the womb. I didn't put any extra stress on myself. At first it felt like it was for the best.

But the more I think about it, the more I kinda wish I had known. Yes, it would have been hard and yes it may have put some extra stress on her little bod, and yes I would have still grieved and cried my little heart out and felt all the feels, but I would have also researched the crap out of things. I would have still trusted in the Lord. I would have made a little more peace with the hand the Lord dealt. (This is a work in progress). I would have been a little more ready to welcome Lindie Fern into the world as she is, the daughter the Lord gifted me- Lindie Fern who is beautiful and cute and petite and full of smiles, Lindie Fern that is all mine (and even a little extra mine [that 47th chromosome 😉], Lindie Fern my daughter, my gift, my daughter with Down syndrome. 

Instead she was born and I grieved and sat in shock and I wished she was someone else. I struggled to hold her and love her and believe that she was mine. 

This is my flesh. This is my sinful nature. This is why I need Jesus. 

But my heart breaks wondering if she didn't notice my hardened heart those first few days. I wish I could have those days back and welcome her with balloons and unconditional love and praises of her beauty knowing all the while that she has Down syndrome. That's what she deserved.

In the end it is what it is. What happened happened. The Lord has my back whether I found out at 20 weeks or on her birthday. And the Lord has her back too. I have no judgement toward any Mama, finding out before or after, those are just my thoughts 5 months out. 

(And give me grace in my humanness please).

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