Inadequacy takes so many different forms in different seasons of life, sometimes changing day-to-day, other times sitting on the back-burner of my mind for weeks or months.
This season has brought feelings of being an inadequate mother. Already.
Wowza. I'm in for a lifetime treat.
I've heard this happens. I just didn't think it would happen so soon.
Some of the things I've been struggling with are:
- Having a hospital birth instead of a home birth
- Having to pump at school next year instead of being able to be around my baby 24/7 to breastfeed. Or if breastfeeding doesn't work/I'm not able to, not being able to breast feed and having to formula feed.
- Planning to be a working mom next year instead of staying home with our little girl
- Eating the occasional potato chip instead of 100% raw foods
- Registering for this item, instead of that item
And the list could probably go on an on. (In fact, it does in my journal. I'll spare you of this).
This past week has hit me hard and it wasn't until getting this morning (a lovely, much needed snow day) that I actually sat down to process through it. And I was perfectly encouraged by the Lord through Sarah Young's writings in Jesus Calling.
"Accept yourself and your circumstances just as they are, remembering that I am sovereign over everything. Do not wear yourself out with analyzing and planning. Instead, let thankfulness and trust be your guides through this day; they will keep you close to me."
And this truth hit me to the core.
It was so needed in my walk. This season. This week. This day.
Let me be clear: I don't think there is a one-size-fits-all plan for every mama out there. Being a mom has taken on so many different forms and life as a mom happens in so many different ways. Working moms or stay at home moms. Cloth diapers or disposable diapers. Breastfeeding or not, I don't want anyone to think that I am saying that I think every mom should do things a certain way.
But for me, if I had it my way, I would be a home birth bearing stay-at-home mom (slash etsy artisan), who easily breastfeed her cloth diaper wearing baby, and I would pop out babies one after another until Mr. Christopher says "Let's put on those brakes." (And in this dream world, it wouldn't be until after at least four beautiful babies).
But the reality of my situation is, I can't. And that's hard.
The reality of my situation is: Jesus is leading me to be a working mom for now. Jesus is leading us to have a hospital birth (although a doula will be on hand). I pray breastfeeding will work and cloth diapers will work and more babies will come. But overall, Jesus has called me to be content in my situation. And my situation is: me working is good for our family right now, insurance provides an amazing financial blessing for a hospital birth and all the other kinks will get figured out along the way. The end.
As I was journaling out all these feelings of inadequancy this morning, all he lies Satan has put in my head, I was reminded of truth from him:
[This is my plan for you. Let it unfold. Trust me in it].
And all I can say to that is okay.