my summer list

One of my struggles is believing the worst about myself. 

This comes into play daily- sometimes in obvious ways, sometimes more subtle ways. It is a burden that I carry. I give it to the Lord daily, but daily I take it back.

This summer I was blessed to have freedom from working (one of the perks of being a teacher). Knowing that I had a whole summer to myself, I made a list of all of the things I wanted to accomplish this summer. I called it my summer "bucket list." I thought if I called it my "bucket list" it would sound fun and enjoyable and get me excited.

And I was excited for a while. Until I realized that I am human and could only have completed all of the things on my list if I had done only that, the list.

It's not that I didn't stick to the list. I did, somewhat, but I tried others things too.

Instead of dusting and repainting all of my baseboards, I met consistently with some younger women and got to know their stories.

Instead of reorganizing all of my closets top to bottom, I spent moments rereading through my old journals and letters of encouraging truths from loved ones.

Instead of de-weeding my yard every week, I sipped on coffee outside on my patio and listened to my husband's heart as he shared in the mornings.

Instead of repainting my bathroom, I painted flowers on a windowpane that signified memories of her and how beautiful life can be.

Instead of reading all of the million books I wanted to read, I read a few good ones.

Instead of finishing all the things I wanted to do, I was able to do a lot of the things that were in between. Things that weren't on my "bucket list" but things that were so necessary for my heart.

It's August first. It's the date I told myself all the way back in late May that I wouldn't think about school or feel guility for not thinking about school until it came. It's also the date I told myself I wanted all of those things on my list completed.

Today I'm battling feeling disappointed in myself for not completing my list, but also feeling really proud of myself for all the summer I had. Today I'm battling feeling ungrateful that there is not more time, but feeling grateful for the blessed summer that the Lord has given.

Today I am battling me. I am wanting to be thankful for a summer full of all of the beautiful things I was able to enjoy instead of thinking of all of the things I did not accomplish.

So I've decided that I am deleting my bucket list from my phone and making a list of all of the things I was able to do this summer. All of the blessings the Lord gave.

And there were so many.


Christina Kwan said...

So beautiful and moving! I love this. You completed a more genuine bucket list, one that fulfilled your heart and there's no shame or disappointment in that. I'm sure you would encourage your kids to do the same. :)

aimee bee said...

Thanks Christina!

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