Theme 4: Closer

I found myself in an interesting situation the other day.

Let me start off first with a little explanation. A couple nights ago I was talking on the phone with a friend of mine and he asked me a question. “How was my relationship with God right now?” And as I started to speak, I started to realize what I have been struggling with. It was like my mouth knew what my struggle was but my head didn’t get it until it heard my mouth speak.

Let me back up a bit further.

Lately I have been feeling that there is something between God and I, that He is asking something of me but I am unsure how to give it to Him. And because I know that I don’t know how to give it, I have been avoiding real intimacy with Him because I don’t want to deal with letting Him down, which also lets myself down. So for a couple weeks, or maybe even a month, I feel like there has been this THING that I can’t quite figure out between me and God, and I feel like I am not giving Him room to work in me to help me figure it out.

So the other night my friend asked, “How is your relationship with God?” This was my reply.

I feel like He is asking me to come closer. “Let’s go deeper,” He has asked. Yet, I am unsure of what I need to do to go closer, deeper. I desire for more intimacy with Him. Yet, partially because I am tired and lazy and partially because I am unsure of how I draw closer or go deeper with Him, I have neglected to do so.

I can illustrate it well in regards to grades (of course, because I am in love with school). It’s like I’m in a class, and in this class I am getting an A or an A-. It doesn’t matter if I get an A- or an A+. My friends will be impressed because it’s a hard class. My teacher will smile when he types my grade in Blackboard. Yet, I know that I can get an A+. I am capable of getting an A+. I want to get an A+. Yet, it’s all up to me. It’s all up to my own choices, my own discipline, my own passion to go above average to get an A+ because the rest of the world is happy with an A-. I feel that He is challenging me to “come even closer, even more.”

I told my friend that time was something that was holding me back. I wake up early, and if I want to talk to Chris I go to bed late. In the last 3 weeks, I have spent my entire days with mission teams. I have very little alone time. When I do have that time I am tired. Physically, mentally I am tired. Lately, I have been sick. This makes me even more tired, and I have less motivation to go on. I just want to sleep or zone out. And it makes it difficult to put in the extra effort, to draw close.

The whole time I hear Him saying to me, over and over. “Aimee, let’s draw closer. Let’s go deeper. I want to go deeper with you.” My heart is screaming, “Yes! Yes! My Love, my Lord. I want to know you intimately, inside out. I want to be called your daughter and I want you to feel loved and adored by me.” While my flesh is saying, “No. This is hard. I don’t want to go any further. I don’t want to go any deeper because I am tired. Give me a break, ask me later.” (Yet, I know that if I take a break, it will take too long to get here again). My body is torn between my Spirit and my Flesh.

Galatians describes this well.

“So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other so that you do not do what you want. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.”
Galatians 4:16-18

Before I said goodbye to my friend, he prayed for me that God would give me time to be with Him, and help me to know how to draw closer.

Interesting because I woke up early the next morning with a stomach-ache. By 7 am when the team was going to start for the day my stomach was still churning, forcing me to stay home lying in my bed. I had a lot of time to think. I finally spent time processing my thoughts about this and asking the Lord many questions. I am really thankful for the time, and I believe that He provided it for me as an answered prayer.

I was left with the question of “How do I draw closer?” I know this is not something that has a formula or a step-by-step answer, but I do want to know how He wants me to do this. I am still waiting, listening, asking. I am encouraged because I know that He is not going to leave me, that if I am seeking Him through this He will give me answers and help me to draw closer. For He says, draw closer to me and I will draw closer to you.

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