As long as life endures...

I AM going to Honduras.

Today I am 100% support raised to go for 3 months. I am still raising to go for 4, but I am at least for sure going for 3 months!

In the last couple weeks I have been realizing more and more what I am really doing. That I am going to Honduras. That I will live there for an extended period of time. That I will be away from my friends and family and church. That I will be removed from the safety and complacency that so often absorbs me when I am here in the US.

Since the realization of me going has hit, I have been fighting a lot more fear. Fear of all kinds of things- leaving the country, living in a Spanish speaking country, risks of my health and safety, having control over my safety, not being as independent as I am here, being away from Chris, and not being around the community I am used to in Columbia. And in the last week I have realized that all this fear basically boils down to a lack of trust in God.

HE is the only one I should fear.

And yet, the truth is that God doesn't guarantee me anything. He tells me that He will protect me and that He will work for my ultimate good, but that doesn't mean it is the good that I expect. It doesn't mean He will give me a long healthy life to my 80s with Chris. It means that He is in control, even when I can't understand Him.

James 4:13 says, "Now listen, you who say 'Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.' Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say 'If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that.'"

So I am realizing that I don't understand it all, and I may never understand it all, but He does have my life in His hands. He is in control. And that is how I prefer it, to be under the Lord's will. Besides, his is better than mine anyway.

In this confusing mess of trying to understand these thoughts and realizations (because it didn't come miraculously and it took many weeks and some cry-fests and really arguing and trying to understand God) he put a song in my heart to comfort me. Amazing grace. And I love this song, but I didn't know all the lyrics, so I looked it up and wrote it down in my journal so I can remember. It goes like this...

Amazing Grace

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

T'was grace that taught my heart to fear,
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear,
The hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils, and snares
I have already come;
'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far,
And Grace will lead me home.

The Lord has promised good to me.
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.

Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.

When we've been there ten-thousand years
Bright shining as the sun,
We've no less days to sing God's praise,
Than when we've first begun.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

2 comments:

Peggy said...

This is very exciting! I am so happy that you are guaranteed three months! We have an amazing God.

Mags said...

this is beautiful. yay on being 100%, god is moving girl and taking you on his plan for your life.

i'm with you on a lot of this, i'm fighting a lot of fears and resolving to trust god unconditionally despite how i feel and my emotions. love you!

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