"What is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man that you care for him?"
Psalm 8:4

"O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you preceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord."
Psalm 139: 1-4

Today I think I have realized something big. I have been in a mess with knowing where my emotions are the past month or so. Support raising to go to Honduras has been harder than I expected. So much of it has been extremely hard because it is completely out of my control. I love being in control, having things in control, and knowing that "it will all work out."

Take school for an example. As much as I would deny it during school, I was definitely what you would call an "over-achiever." Maybe not as bad as the other students in my pre-med biology classes, but in general- overall
Aimee Paule=Over-achiever

I loved going above and beyond when I had the chance, and I always had to recoup myself after a test if I scored anything less than an A-. Yes, I was one of those students.

So, after 17 years of being an over-achiever in my classes it has become a lifestyle for me to want to succeed, be ahead of the game, etc. Yet, this way of doing life in school world doesn't directly translate to the way God wants us to do life in His world, which is where my heart really should be all the time. (Stay with me, I will explain).

I have been slowly realizing how much I am trying to control support raising. My desire to go to Honduras is deeply rooted within me. Every part of me loves it there, and I so desperately want to return. Therefore, because it is something that means so much to me I want to ensure that I get there, and inevitably, I try to control my life so that I can go.

But it is impossible. It is impossible for me to change the hearts of people. It is impossible for me to put the desire in people to support me to go to Honduras. The only way I will be able to go is if He asks others to help, if He whispers into the hearts of people and requests that they would support me to go to this far-off place. I have no control whatsoever.

So today, I wave my flag. I surrender my efforts to Him.

But the crazy thing is, and the thing that has taken me so long to realize, is that God wants me to go to Honduras more than I want me to go to Honduras.

God loves the people there and the little kids more than I love the people and the little kids.

God wants to help those who are hurting with HIV/AIDS more than I want to help those that are hurting with HIV/AIDS.

God wants me to be a light in Honduras more than I desire to be a light in Honduras.

Why hadn't I thought of this before? Why hadn't I believed this? Why did I not believe that he wanted me to go as much as I want to go?

Conveniently, I am reading this book right now in prep for Honduras called When God Doesn't Make Sense by Dr. James Dobson. In it he says this,

"...Our view of God is too small-that His power and His wisdom cannot even be imagined by us mortals. He is not just "the man upstairs" or "the great chauffeur in the sky," or some kind of Wizard who will do a dance for those who make the right noises."

My God loves me and adores me more than I could ever love and adore Him. He is excited that I have chosen to follow him with my life, and He is excited that I am willing to endure frustrations, hurt, and struggles in order to go to Honduras. And He wants it more than I do. I just only hope that He will slowly change me to love more and more. If it is at all possible, I want to love more.

1 comment:

Mags said...

OH girl, i can so. totally. relate.

i'm about to post something a friend of mine from training just posted, a series of posts called "why support raising does not suck"

it put a lot into words what i've been feeling. again he talked about the control and i've been wrestling with that myself again and again.

keep fighting girl, this fight to place our lives entirely in jesus' hands is worth it, and its a journey only you and god will fully experience, but know you're not alone. i've had to remind myself of that, i think part of the hard part for me is there's so much going on but only god fully knows and goes through that with me, the everyday joys and sorrows of support raising and how my emotions can totally change at any given moment.

he will provide, him who has called us will be faithful.

our biggest task is to trust him and believe him.

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